I was so frustrated with my Dr.:
I had been ill for some time actually. For well over 3 years I suffered with what he called "menopause symptoms. Profuse sweating day & night, rapid heart rate, exacerbated asthma attacks and dangerously high blood pressure uncontrolled with medicines! All missed clues. What a price to pay for having not had children! My Dr. was kind enough to inform me that the symptoms would not only be worse for not having had children but,would start earlier and last longer for the same reason. Also, I would also be "more susceptible for cervical cancer as a final there you go.
I never cared for him, he seemed pre-occupied and hurried when I saw him. I really had no reason to doubt his expertise until he started asking me things like," why are you so hyper, why are you talking so fast, why are you so anxious?" My responses at first were "I don't know" that finally turned to "isn't that what I pay you for, to find that out"? Our Dr. patient relationship was running off the tracks now after three years of this stuff. I believe I became a nuisance to him and he became an idiot to me. Looking back now, if ever there was a time I could be "rescued" from this disease it was during that time of my obvious declining health and his obvious and persistent lack of interest.
I was a unit secretary in ER at this time. I had worked in medical all of my adult life for over 30 yrs. I provided loving care to those who's time here was drawing to it's end. I dedicated myself to making their transition as comfortable as possible. I prided myself providing comfort to families struggling with a diagnosis they neither wanted nor believed through all the stages that finally level out with an acceptance of what would inevitably be. My heart would ache for the one leaving as equally for the ones left behind. When you are the survivor, it was my belief, then you are left with a multitude of the what-if's, might have beens, should uv, could uv, would uv's that invade your thoughts for a lifetime. You never stop thinking of or missing the ones gone to soon. Worse I think, when sudden death revokes all possibilities of saying your good-byes.
One more time I became ill while working, as had happened countless times in the past now. My supervisors would force me off the floor and into the unit because my blood pressure would be so high they had a hard time figuring out why I had not "stroked out". I was a "risk" to work, but was constantly chastised for missing work. At my job you can only be sick 6 days a year. How ridiculous is that in a field where we are exposed to EVERYTHING CONSTANTLY? I never could figure out how you control illness to six days a year! That would require some pre-planning I thought, as I had been "sick" now for years, no longer measured in days at all.
As an important footnote, I had been injured on my job during this same time in 7/07. While putting paper away, I somehow herniated 2 disks in my neck. Not open to surgery at that time and time loss from work, I chose to participate in a steroid program that would possibly offer enough relief to keep me working. For over a year it worked. and I found relief. I was now noticing however, that this treatment and steroids for my breathing were causing me extreme anxiety, difficulty concentrating and an overall general malaise. I was "shaking" on the inside so horribly that I was sure you could visibly see it on the outside. Missed clues. I remember begging for Valium, to ease some of the anxiety. You would have thought I was asking for his bank card access codes! My request was denied.
I was now also being reprimanded for my attendance. Even though I showed up for work, started to work and was pulled off the floor by supervisors, bottom line was..if you don't "fix it" we will. I had been there nearing six years. Dedicated to my work and the people I supported in my capacity. I remember being offended by my supervisor's lack of concern when it clearly was presented that I was paying many Dr's good money to find the problem without success. If I could have fixed it, wished myself well surely she knows I would have done it just to avoid her! I really to this day have no idea of what she expected me to do but, she made it painfully clear as an employee of her department, illness was simply unacceptable and dealt with harshly! Go figure.
The day had been so much like any other that it almost would have never stood out. Laying in that cold exam room, waiting to see an MD one more time, to be sent home sick one more time, with an elusive diagnosis one more time! My stress over the matter was spiraling to new heights and I even remember thinking I actually get worse when it does. A missed clue.
The waiting was eternal. Waiting for blood draw, lab results, an MD. I remember thinking I should get to move along a little faster just because I was one of them, knowing full well triage dictates that I crawl along in my care just as anyone else that still had a beating heart. There would be no special treatment or a skip to the front of the line. Six hours later, one of the MD's I actually worked beside came on shift. He noticed me in that room waiting to be seen yet again. Dr. G. poked his head inside and asked what was up. Not only was I surprised at his interest but also at his questioning. Rarely do they concern themselves with a patient not their own but, he seemed genuinely concerned. Dr. G. wondered off and I thought that was it..he was concerned because I would not be his secretary tonight! He would be left to deal with someone unfamiliar in our protocol and his "ways".
ER is the belly of the beast. We either rack em' and stack em'(admit)or treat em' and street em'(send home) at a steady rate of 500 plus patients per 12 hour shift. It can be a very cold and uncaring place most times. No room for warm and fuzzy feelings down there. Clogged with the "regular" drug seekers, homeless, battered, bruised and mentally ill. Most lacking resources, addresses and family. Nurses and Dr's become distant and cold from the repetition of it all. Some even become down right mean and condecending. I was fortunate on this day that I knew who "they" were and would not be seen by any of "them" that night. God in his mercy knew that would not work for me or them.
About an hour later, Dr. G. pops back behind my curtain. "Patty, I want to admit you, "I think you have Pheochromocytoma". Stunned at the length of the word first, I remember thinking, 30 yrs in medical and I had NEVER heard that word. Never even seen it written somewhere. I listened as best I could. Although I had elevated enzymes that indicated that I may be having a heart attack, I had other symptoms that were worrisome for him after looking at my history. "I have watched you go through a revolving door of admissions here and still you are no better", "we have to find out what this is". One second of immediate relief (someone cares enough to look a little deeper, finally), that was quickly followed by an impending sense of doom. Then I remember thinking that on the up side, I will no longer be "viewed in the nude by co-workers anymore" and that thought provided me with an immediate humorous sense of relief! For I am sure it was a psychological detriment for all of us involved. You rarely have the opportunity to have "friends and co-workers" examine you nude and fondle you in such an intimate way. I always tried to reserve that for the "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" opportunities I sign up for, not forced into. In ER there was no reciprocation to ease my personal suffering!
"I am sending you for a CT and will come back to discuss it when resulted" Dr. G. said. I agreed. If there was anything clear to me then, it was that if they didn't find something I was going to lose my job before I got better. More waiting. My thoughts started racing. Trying to pull all of the symptoms I had noticed together to relay to him. I had at one time or another told them all to my Dr. but they went unnoticed or not utilized. I agreed to a medical record request for his scrutiny. I was now enormously relieved someone was looking and I now more focused on what they might find for just looking. I told myself it would be something simple, overlooked, unnoticed. Turns out I was only right on two of those counts, overlooked and unnoticed. Not so simple.
More waiting!
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