I personally can not help but laugh at the nonsensical idea of being told your time is limited and coming to an end, only to be left with nothing but an awful lot of time waiting for it to come. What a hoot!
After my diagnosis, a Social Service worker sympathetically filled out all of the required paperwork for my permanent retirement from work. I did not want it. I wanted to return when I was better but, my Dr.'s said better would not be forthcoming. I knew I was "to sick" to work at that time. I also knew I would never be able to go back into that stress pit called ER. My disease produces an enormous amount of stress hormones in and of itself so, adding anymore stress on top of it literally makes me more physically ill. I have had to take a refresher course in "letting go" since getting this diagnosis.
I am VIRGO which means, I already have an inherently and ridiculously illogical pursuit of perfection and a need to over analyze and control EVERYTHING! This personality trait makes me question everything and believe hardly anything until I "know" it to be true. Even I do not want to rent space in my head on most days! Self can easily be difficult to be around!
Truly, if given a choice I would have preferred it be anywhere other than where this cancer is. It causes a hyper-production of hormones that are necessary for the regulation of vital signs and also has the nerve to encourage (testosterone!) or discourage others (insulin) necessary for normal organ functions. It is those symptoms that are so bothersome and worrisome. It literally makes me a crazy person in stressful situations now. I am in a constant fight or flight mode thanks to them and find it hard to think clearly and rationalize sometimes. One thing I know for sure, being a Virgo and over-pumping hormones are for all practical purposes equally annoying!
I have endured a 10 year run of physical injuries requiring surgical interventions, the loss of my two younger brothers, my job, my income and financial stability but, more than anything, the company and healing benefit of great and loyal friends in your daily life. Out of sight is out of mind sadly. That is not to say I have none, but they are busy and not "forced" into my space on a daily basis now. The special ones that have remained in touch are the ones I love and covet most. They did not drop me like a rock, nor lose their desire to check on me and include me in their lives. It is times like this where you are able to see why for the most part, people we considered friends really are just mere acquaintances. I heard it said you can count your loyal "friends" on one hand, and be blessed to have them. The rest fall by the wayside when you are in a position to think you "need" them the most. Loyalty is one of my most treasured traits I have fostered. I will be your friend until the end of time if I have considered you one at all. I am grateful to know that it is returned in ways I can not even compare to nor compete with in the friends that still reach out and stay in touch during this time in my life. They did not abandon me, forget me or set me aside. What a blessing.
I am sure those ladies know I would go to the ends of Earth to do anything they would ask of me and for that trust and dedication I am so forever grateful. Those are the ones I'll be reaching out for from my new post upstairs! I love them for the people they are and all they have done for me and these wonderful people have done a lot for me.
I get the feeling sometimes that there a few people who are upset, for lack of a better word, that I have not yet passed! It is a weird and uncomfortable feeling to think the buzzards are circling and the only way to convince them you are really sick is to be dead already. I can not and do not try to explain why I am still here, I have no answer for that. Everything has a time and place and I am just assuming I am in the wrong time zone or in the wrong place, not unusual for me! I even sometimes think when I am really feeling ill (changes from minute to minute or day to day) that I am already dead and just to stupid to lie down and be still!
I am no more a patient person than I am 5'9" an 100lbs, blue-eyed or blond haired! I am like an ant when just waiting in line, a foot shifting, breath sighing, what the hell is taking so long kind of person. It is not like I have all minute! So try to imagine the humor in this situation, God knows I do.
Sadly, I have known good people that received a like diagnosis of cancer after mine and are no longer here. It seems they were delivered from their lot in a matter of a few short months. I am going to reach a milestone for survivors of this particular disease in a matter of days now. Only 35% make it to the 3rd anniversary of their diagnosis date. My second anniversary date will be December 26, 2010. Even more remarkable is that, although I am progressing in my disease I am actually feeling less ill now than when I was first diagnosed. Meaning I think that since they have been able to bring about some form of stabilization to my vital signs (not optimal but stable) what I am left with is acceptable for my daily function.
I still have my bad days that can sometimes run on into weeks but, am more grateful for what it isn't than sad for what it is. Not that it would matter. There is really no choice but move through the normal grief stages and try to accept the reality of my current situation. I do not want neither will I, allow myself to dwell in any one of those stages. I think I will most likely avoid bargaining altogether. I hate to shop and look forward to never having to wear a bra again, EVER. I try to avoid anger, I spent a lifetime there before. I do not live near the river of denial and I am no longer so bold as to put on a swimsuit or go swimming in pity so that's out too. I feel safe, loved, and ready for whatever comes whenever it decides to show up. Besides, it is not as though I really have a choice in this matter.
So the lady waits, and waits and waits............
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