I used to think it would be better to know. During all of my years of caring for others in positions such as this, definitely better to know. I often wondered how they felt when they got the news. Did they recognize the blessing hidden in the tragedy? A real chance to right your wrongs, make amends, ask for forgiveness, connect with those that time and distance had left in your past? More importantly, say your good-byes. Now, as I myself face those same challenges I questioned that stance. There are minutes, hours and even days I think I may have been misguided.
The first days of the New 2008 year have forced me to set aside the last 365. It is a flurry of Dr's, test, exams and I have returned to a job I love in a department I despise. I have few new friends down here in this belly. Few are friendly, many are to busy tearing down or gossiping about co-workers to notice anything else going on around them. Feeling isolated, lonely, sick and unhappy, all at the same time, still I really try not to complain. I asked for the position down there but, I asked God every night to allow me to "go HOME" to Rehab. There were people who liked me, listened to me, noticed me and appreciated me there. But that's all gone now!
My pity parties were exclusive. I rarely invited anyone in. That is not to say I did not complain, I did, loudly. If that department had been managed anything like Rehab it would have been a delightful place to work in spite of the low down dirty muck of the world pouring in through those auto doors. There was hope down there but it manifested in ways like.."I hope she doesn't expect me to do that" or "I hope they don't expect me to help." I had never known this kind of nursing, ours prior to this was a well oiled machine. A Family that pulled together. That brought all of their beautiful threads of care and compassion together that came to weave a magical tapestry we called Rehab. Now that was a family.
Dr. G has now assumed my care. Metanephrines..if ever I hear that word again I'll scream out loud! For that test I had to withdraw from Excedrin, chocolate milk and nicotine for 48 hours!
God, just please take me now!! There were four of those tests. "Positive for cancer markers" he said. Surgery seems to be the quickest fix. Removal of the masses with the knowledge they can return and spread is not what I expected but, I was learning to live in a world of lower expectations. No options really, just an attempt to get vital signs back in order I believe. I am pumping out huge amounts of nor-epinephrine, cortisol, and others. My stress level trying to maintain at work, keep the bills paid, not miss anymore time off work and try to keep it all private down there in that belly, purely inhumane torture! So, to reiterate: mutual feelings of dislike on my job, body parts negotiating contracts behind my back leaving me with something foreign to work with already out of control, still trying to maintain a distance from Mr B. still on his chosen path, and trying to accept that people I do not like have access to my medical records. Stress the gift that keeps on giving!
I was bloated, sick and miserable. The surgery was rather unremarkable. Same day, in and out, done. Fortunately I did not lose much time off work and got many to cover shifts so the boss would not be so excited to counsel me, again. Some feigned interest and concern, a few actually were both. Some I thought don't know what to say. Hell, neither did I. This was the worst Christmas present since the year my dad threatened to kill all of us and set the house on fire. That is how I have remembered Christmas all of my life. I was 8 yrs old. Dread would come every year no matter how merry I tried to make it. Haunting memories a child should not have to carry. I often prayed that I would someday have something better to dwell on at that time of year someday. Finally now, it is so. It does not however, cloud out or erase the old memory. Rather, they crawl into to bed with each other like some incestuous monster. Together, they are stronger than I am presently.
My neck and shoulders have joined the fracas! The pain now shoots all the way down my arm from the shoulder, fingers on my left hand go numb and I type for a living! Once they realized what was going on they stopped ALL steroid use. They were part of the problem with this disease that has "friended" me. All of my chemical messengers are confused, both getting and receiving the wrong signals. They tell some hormones to cut off, slow down. Others are masterfully manipulated to increase and cause me unbelievable discomfort. It is a coupe!
It is clear within months that there is no controlling my vital signs. Blood pressure remained excessively high with diastolic ranges running in the 100 to 120's and over 200 systole. I have excruciating headaches, blurred vision and now diabetes is running amuck too! There is increased enzyme action eating my teeth from the inside, happens with enormous stress they said. I look 13 months pregnant with a huge rotund belly and even the fat clothes are way to small.
Oddly, I am not afraid, angry, disgusted anymore. There is little I can do. They tell me quit smoking, again. I am cracking up on the inside as he lays out that speech, thinking why should I ? Will it give me cancer? I always joked at the insanity of trying to add on at the end when those are the crappy years of life. I am to stupid to see a benefit and to mental to care. I live in my little oblivious world of Muppet's and rice and think all is good in the world. And the days fly by.
I was finally going to get that neck fixed, if the anesthesiologist could be brave. First time is cancelled, she can not control blood pressure or heart rate for any length of time. I have to wait for some stabilization. They switch all my meds and reset that date. I am actually looking forward to "fixing" whatever can be fixed.
The surgery was successful in that I was able to leave the operating table without the assistance of the Medical Examiner. Not so much in that I suffered a severe infection that required another surgery to put in a drain. Man, was that doc mad at me but, I was not done yet. I accidently pulled out that drain before the sun set that night. Blood pooled, blocked my swallowing for months but finally did heal. It is now 6/2008 and things were looking up and now over that elephant in my room.
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